Putting It Out There

As I have read my daughter-in-laws' blogs, I have been so impressed with how open and honest they are with what is happening in their lives.  I have always struggled with others knowing my weaknesses and feeling like they are judging me......I guess my self-esteem is not the greatest.  I try to be positive and happy as much as possible, but sometimes....life just gets to me.  Right now is one of those times.

Bob and I just returned from a trip to Colorado.  We loved visiting with Dave, Deborah, Colton and our new little Graham.  It was such a joy to be with them.  We had such a wonderful time being in their home and spending time with our sweet grandsons.  We played, hiked, swam, read, sang and cuddled. It broke my heart to leave them.  I cried off and on for the next 10 hours or so.   I looked at the pictures and videos we took of them and then at the pictures that included me.  I was disgusted.  I know that my grandchildren love me unconditionally NOW.  But....will they be embarrassed by a fat grandma as they get older?  I laid awake until almost 4 a.m. thinking about all of it.  I have struggled with my weight my entire life.  It is so difficult for me to lose weight.  I want to be healthy.  I am missing so many organs that my poor body is just working itself to death to keep me alive!  I haven't exercised since Thanksgiving.  I have sat at a desk and computer for hours and hours each day for the last year.  I was only eating one meal a day.  Obviously those things are not the best for me.  I don't like to go out in public.  I don't like the way I look and feel. 

So.  Today I got up and walked.  I had yogurt and grape nuts for breakfast.  I went to the grocery store and bought lots of fruits and vegetables.  I want to be healthy.  It is so difficult to always have to do this by myself.  I don't really have anyone to talk to about all this......who truly understands how difficult this is for me.  My husband is skinny.  My daughter-in-laws are skinny (it just blows my mind that they can have amazing bodies so soon after giving birth).  My sons are skinny.....and if they do put on a little weight, it comes off quickly and easily.  My in-laws are skinny.  My friends are skinny. I always feel like the fat one in the group (and with good reason when I look at the pictures).  My family has been kind and have not said negative things to me - to my face.....and I am grateful for that.  I already know.  I just want to "put it out there" that I am working on it.  I will have days that don't go so well.  I will have days that are great.  I have pictures of my grandchildren in front of me to remind me that I don't want to embarrass them later.  Right now they are my greatest motivation.  I already know I want to be healthy and have energy, but to enjoy them and do things with them as they get older is really really important to me.

Okay.  So now I've said it.  I've blogged it.  It is out there for others to see.  I've cried.  I'm embarrassed.  I am overwhelmed with trying to figure out how to eat healthy, exercise, work, and do everything else I am supposed to do.......and do it all alone.  But I love my little ones so much, that I will do what it takes to have a better quality of life.  This will be hard.  Harder than any of you know.  But I will do my best.